Friday, March 27, 2009

Dude, where the fuck is Neve Campbell and Denise Richards at?

Ok ok ok ok... I am pretty proud of that subject title right there. It makes sense to what I am showing. Cause you know thats what I do right? Right? To the point:



If you were born between 1986 and some future time or some shit... then this means this movie will have nostalgic value. For me, I am a huge creature fan and I have always loved to draw monsters and let my imagination go wild [hur]. Truth be told... I think I teared up for this trailer. Now... on the other hand.



Uhhh.... I have... to go... wash my hair... or something.

I have to evacuate some shit from my butt-ass.

So yeah, I have returned from Austin [SXSW and shit]a few days ago. Probably like a week ago I dunno I haven't been paying attention to the passing days because I just reminisce about Austin. Yes.... Very cool thing they got going on there but it still is not my beloved New Orleans. Every place can go fuck themselves and their 2 am last call bullshit. All I am gonna tell you is that I had to do some fucking serious power drinking to make sure I was falling in the street by 2 am. I kid, I kid... I was usually drunk by 5 pm... I dont remember much. From what I DO remember... I saw some kick ass bands... and some really shitty ones. Like super shitty. OK just one really shitty band. Horrendous if you will. Here be da rundown yo!

Heypenny

Best show I saw from a band that I have never heard. They had a great sound and they were energetic and wore weird ass multi-color marching band uniforms [also... their name is Heypenny ...come on retards... put two and two together] and had old ass TVs playing weird ass video with some more weird shit on top of that weird shit. A very pleasant surprise for just randomly checking out a band you've never heard before. I enjoy those moments where you feel like you discovered something unexpected... and you did it with a group of friends... which sweetens the pot.

Delta Spirit
I have seen these guys before in New Orleans and thought a few of the songs were pretty good. Honestly played their record maybe only a handful of times and during those times I never really paid attention to it. I think the record sounds decent but not great. Now... after watching them for a second time at Mohawk... they did a much better job and really caught my attention. I still think their record sounds decent... but I am listening to it if that means anything to you. Trashcan is a great song by the way.

The Rosebuds
Played before Delta Spirit. Weren't terrible but not great. Just another band that I sat through with a beer in my hand nonchalantly listening to them. No moving. No nodding with the music. No dancing. Just beer.

HEALTH
OK.... this is a tricky one to actually explain. This was a really free show in a really big open park area. Also... I wouldnt even call what they played through a fucking PA. You could sometimes hear drums and sometimes hear a keyboard making some warbly sound. Anyways, "listening" or "seeing" HEALTH might be a little too unfair to say... but fuck it, you werent there and I can make shit up for whatever reason I want. For instance, I finger popped Natalie Portman. Yeah... in Austin. Don't believe me? How would you know... you weren't there. You don't have a survelliance van that follows me 24/7. Go fuck yourself. Oh... HEALTH has some badass recordings. Check it.

Cursive
Saw these guys at the Mess With Texas festival thingy or whatever. They didn't suck, but they didn't move me either. It looked like they were kind of phoning it in anyways. I am not terribly familiar with their repetoire but even if I memorized their whole catalog I know for a fact I would still feel like they played a mediocre set.

Abe Vigoda
I saw these guys in a club I believe to be called "Club 1808". Apparently it is in the ghetto part of Austin. I think the people who were telling me this meant where the black people lived. I didn't look ghetto at all. Shit... probably safer in that neighborhood then walking down a street filled with fucking hippies asking for change. Point is... this club was fucking awesome. The minute I walk in the bathroom I see a dude who is missing some teeth, sitting on the faucet smoking a joint and sharing it with some patron who looks to be 15. After taking my piss throughout his tirade on white people and weed... I go back to the main room and see the ocean of people that were surrounding this band. Just... LOTS of warm bodies jumping around and god knows what else. They were good. They were loud. They had a lot of energy. Too bad the next day at Mess With Texas fest they sounded like shit and didn't look like they were having fun. Advice: Try to see this band in the smallest club imaginable.

NO AGE
Not more than a half hour later in the same club [Club 1808... WOOAH!] No Age plays a show in the outdoor area. I dunno whats with Austin... but mostly ever show outside sounded like shit. Like... really shitty. I dunno. Maybe Austin sound-men don't understand wind and birds. So yeah... they sounded like shit... but apparently they are a good band. I was pretty busy drinking beer and taking shots honestly... didn't really pay too much attention to them.

Glacier Hiking

You know what... since I am such a nice guy... I will name drop them. Fuck... I even embedded their super NASCAR music video in this post just so you kids can get a better picture of what these guys look like. Worst. Fucking. Band. Ever. These guys were the dumbest sappiest pieces of shit. They had the worst in-between song banter and even worse lyrical content. "I FUCKING CRIED FOR YOU!". I shit you not. They are like the worst parts of the Killers and diarrhea. My fucking god... I walked away several times, but I HAD to come back and just listen to them emo out and fucking suck. A friend of mine said a very astute observation how their guitar player wants to be Johnny Greenwood. He did. He sucked at it terribly. Their singer... my god... where do I fucking begin. Bowtie. He wore a fucking bowtie and a fucking cardigan sweater vest. I shit you not, me and my friends saw him the next day. Different bowtie, same smug fucking face. I dunno... if I want to fucking look like Doug I would have gone all the way and put the belt around my head and my tighty-whites over my pants. Also... I think hes watched way too many videos of rap-metal singers cause he did some dumb shit with his hands like he was pretending to be some fucking rapper or Brandon Boyd. God. Damn. They suck. If you love music you will friend them on Myspace and send hateful comments to them. Spit on them if you can too.

Japanther
They were drunk. Really drunk. F+

Explosions in the Sky
Once again proving my theory that the sound-guys in Austin don't know what the fuck they are doing for outside venues. I really wanted to see them, but thats all I got to do... SEE. I didn't hear shit, even when they got loud. Granted, I was pretty fucking far away and the place was jam packed with people so I did not feel like fighting the horde of smelly people. On a side note... I think the highlight of this show was waiting in line. My group were about to get in line when all of the sudden, this kid like fucking Spiderman leaps over the fence! I mean.... these fences were fucking tall. What he did was no small feat and it gave me hope for our youth. What was especially hilarious was the security guard. Fat, old and didn't give a fuck. He had his flashlight and shined it onto the kid as he was running and the look on his face was something along the lines of "Shit! I need to go after that kid. Fuck, hes already too far away." Like a face of failure.

I think there were a few other bands but I can't think of them off the top of my head. I don't want to write anymore. You kids have any memories of SXSW?

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Something to think about when I am gone.

So I am going to be heading to SXSW for a couple of days. I know, I know, stop fucking crying and grab your little hanky. Don't get your panties all knotted and twisted... cause that will be bad for your circulatory system. I will however try to update as much as possible whilst being there [I just wanted to say 'whilst'...try it out. whilst.]. I am assuming they have computers in Austin. In the meantime.... watch this video. Hes a graffiti artist who animates. Weird. I know... but its fucking brilliant and it is something to aspire to. Hear that New Orleanian crusties!? YOU CAN BE A FAMOUS GRAFFITI ARTIST TOO!

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Fucking Interview time bitches!

You know when you do a certain thing once and then it eventually becomes part of your routine? Well I don't cause that becomes monotonous. Who am I kidding? I fucking suck. I took some time to do a little interviewing with a few figure heads who make shit happen in this town... cause people like talking to me. I am very personable. First one is with Bill Smith. Close friend of mine and a ne'er-do-well kinda guy. When he wants to be, he can be particularly articulate when is not humping your leg or trying to fucking bite your nipples off. Not so much of an interview but more of a conversation ranging from art to Caddywhompus to G.G. Allen.


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Next batch of questions was with the lead singer of The Blue Party, Reid Martin. Their band consists more of just listening to music. They require you the audience member to get fucked up and high as much as possible. This band makes sure their fans are satisfied... thats why they kick ass. Watching them is like running a marathon with a case of beer.


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Friday, March 13, 2009

God I am so fucking adorable.

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No... serioulys folks. I am fucking awesome. Why hasn't anybody told me how awesome I am? Really are you people that shy to tell me how fucking suave and charming I am. I mean... look at that smile! I'm gonna go look in the mirror and jerk off now.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

I need a Nap

I have noticed have not been paying enough attention to the "design" aspect of this here lil' blog. Then... this little site called This is why you're fat gave me some inspiration to create. That is SOOO fucking correct you smart little office monkey.... I made some food. Some gross fucking, heart shrinking, short breath inducing food that is soooo good yet bowel irritatingly bad for you. I present you.... THE CHEESE PULL TACO!!!!!! [yes.. it is a vagina joke]

[click on the image for all of its glorious splendor]

Before you ask yourself "Is that diarrhea wrapped in a soiled crepe shell?" The answer to that question is "You are half correct!". Ok... what I did was take a few flour tortillas and then fried them in a beer-batter [used Heinken... the only beer around in my house. Coors Light is usually my preferred beer of choice.]. Afterwards, letting the tortillas cool down so they could get a nice crunch, I made some shells and cheese [a pack of Velvetta shells n cheese was more than enough] and then added a shit ton of hot salsa [Pace Picante... hot... none of that pussy mild shit]. Then... for the pulled pork, this shit that I got... you can't find in a fucking store. This was made at a farmer's market around my neighborhood. This is the pulled pork Jesus Christ gave up his life for. Fuck all the world sinning and shit. He noticed God had some and was like "Yo dawg I heard you gots some o' dem good pull porky pig yo!". So he jumped on a cross and call ed the crowd gay. Then they stabbed Jesus.... so Jesus could go to heaven. To get the pork. This pulled pork will leave you in a coma after just eating a small portion cause its so fucking good. GOOD I TELL YOU! I took the step further and noticed I still have a good amount of oil in the pan. Like any good American... I didn't let that go to waste. I fucking DROPPED that pulled pork in there and watch that beautiful meat become even more beautiful in that pan of oil. I didn't do that for too long cause, ya know, I am a meat eater and didn't want to be eating shrivelled pork [dick joke]. Topped the tacos with the pulled pork and then added even more salsa and then for good measure.... fresh pepper. I know this isn't THE grossest food imaginable but I am still fucking proud of how god damned good it was. Really, I was fucking surprised... it was pretty good. The crunchy tortilla worked well with the soft shells n cheese and... like I said... the fucking pork is amazing. Unfortunately, I could only eat half of one of them. Maybe I can find some hobos later.... and then eat the rest in front of them. Then, drink a nice cold beer and then wipe the sweat off my forehead with a hundred dollar bill. You know... just so the message gets through. I am better than them.

[STATUS UPDATE] So yeah.... like I said, that pulled pork will put you in a coma. After eating only HALF of one of those tyrannical tacos, I fucking napped so fucking hard I was dead to the world. I fell asleep in my bed, still clothed, drooling out the side of my mouth with little junks o' shells and pork bits. I looked like an O.D. victim. Mmmm... Coma Pork ....mmmmmm.


Monday, March 9, 2009

WHAT YOU GOT IN THAT BAG!?

As you may or may not know my band Big Rock Candy Mountain have been recording/recorded/will record more/anal sex/ suck on toes just a little bit more.... at the Music Shed. Here are a few videos of us just fucking around. Enjoy. Also got a little background music in it for ya.

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Sunday, March 1, 2009

I can't sleep cause Reznor will beat me if I do :(

Alright, I have always been a fan of Nine Inch Nails. Huge Fan. Never particularly thought The Downward Spiral was their best but it was great for its time and set many standards in production and allowing Trent Reznor to be an even bigger dickhead than most dickheads of the dickhead music world. After I got wind about some folks at This One is On Us put together a two disc [if we go by that measure of music anymore] torrent of two live performances from their last shows in Las Vegas, I had to check it out. Needless to say, the only thing worse than a dick head [insert Trent Reznor] is a bunch of dickheads who follow that one dickhead. Jesus people... really? Are you that fucking obsessed to the point where you not only buy all his records, but are willing to spend your last waking hours cutting & editing footage, whilst mixing and mastering live footage from a shmorgisboard [didnt even have to spell check that] of kids who wear eyeliner and nothing but NIN shirts [editor's note: throw away both Mastodon shirts and delete computer wallpaper, Illustrator files, and cancel order on posters]. Got to give the fucker props though for allowing his fans to do this and not throw a little hissy fit like one of his songs. Who would of thought you can make a life-long career about bitching and moaning about how unfair life is? Hmmm. Good-bye motivational speaker HELLO ANGSTY 40 year old!


Nine Inch Nails: March of the Pigs (Live in HD) from WhoRu? on Vimeo.

p.s. Judging by JUST THIS SONG... two and a half hours of those lights would make me fall into a state of epilepsy. My tongue would have been choked on within minutes of the first song.