Thursday, January 7, 2010

My Top 5 can kick your Top 10s ass!

Where the fuck are my flying cars? Where is my fucking sex-bot like in THX1138!? Well we do have large pieces of plastic to fuck... but they don't put up a fight. Who wants to have sex with a glorified barbie!? Shouldn't we have cured cancer by now? What a fucking disappointment 2010 is already. What.a.disappointment. At least Michael Jackson is dead. Yes, I said that. Kids can finally come from below their beds and sleep soundly now. Thank god this time of the year is the best time to ponder and recall how shitty the year previous to this one was. Oh 2009... you gave me a cancer scare and shattered my dreams of ever becoming a stage actor. Hey 2009, remember that time when that homeless man followed me home and I locked him out of my house and he took a dump on the front porch? HA! That was such a hoot. Or or or or when I was declared legally dead for 2 minutes?! Readers, if you ever go to a party and somebody offers you a buffet of uppers & downers... he is not offering you the ENTIRE BAG OF PILLS. That was my new years resolution: One drug at a time. Continuing on... I have had this whole idea of writing out my top five favorite albums of 2009. Now now now now now... shut the fuck up. I know what you are thinking. You think I am trying to tell you get these albums because if you don't have them then you are fucking lame. This is correct. Get these albums because my opinion is unwavering in its correctness. I am a fucking taste-maker. Actually, if you look at it... you people may already have these records, and I am rather late with the whole "Top 5 shittiest pieces of shit that you shitheads should like shit list". The point is fuck you and this is what I liked in the year of our lord 2009. Amen.

Number of listens: 93 fucking times.

I figured I would get this one out of the way. Ok ok, I didn't actually listen to the ENTIRE album 93 times but did listen to at least one of the songs on this record 93 times. The lowest number of times I listened to a song from Crack the Skye was 62.... soooooooooo 93 just sounds better. I just love this record. It encompasses everything I look for in music. Not just metal or rock... now if only there was some rapping on this record it would be perfect. Ha I'm just fucking with you. I would probably shoot a hole in somebody's head even if Lil Wayne contributed a verse.

Number of listens: 49

Holy. Shit. Every time I mention or there is a conversation about this album, somebody ALWAYS has to correct the party on how the fuck this album is pronounced. Congrats douche-bag, you are officially a waste of life. The fact that they go out of there way to make sure they are heard saying it correctly is just the icing on the cake. When you feel that gentle tap on the shoulder and hear them say "Uhmmm.... its pronounced Vecka-TI-mest." and you see them push their black-rimmed glasses up to their nose with their chin down and eyebrows up. No wonder the government doesn't allow me to carry sharp objects. Shit... I had to hire somebody ELSE has to cut my dinner for me now. God damn you Close Circuit Television. Point is this is a great record and you shouldn't let some douche bag spoil it by doing some name dropping. If they do... shove your boot-heel into their neck. That usually shuts them up.

Number of listens: 5

"Sup bitch... we should rub cunts together. Look how serious I look."
"I can't, I have to pretend I am not looking at you. Plus, my chin will get jealous and try to attack me. Or worse... kill you."
"Man fuck that shit! I want to make a fucking clam stew... now gimme that!"
"Oh...oh my.... oh... ah GAWD.... pppppffffff.... Mmmmmm. Oh fuck thats some good canoe paddling."
"MWMmmMFMFmmmfmfmfmfmmmmmmff.. I'm sorry what were you saying? I was a little busy down there."
"Shut the fuck up and tweak my nipples. Don't worry... I'm indie... I don't wear bras."
"Easy access...mama like. Mama. Like."
"But what will our orbs of pretension think of this sinful act? They may leave the album cover."
"Shit... you're right. The listeners need not know how arbitrary the orbs are. If they find out, our fucking cred is out the window. We must keep their mysterious nature intact."
"Fuck I don't care! My clam is wetter than a fucking rainforest. GIVE ME YOUR FUCK PARTS! NOW!"
"Yes Queen of the Chins. You make Jay Leno green with envy."

I hope you never look at this album cover the same way ever again.

Number of listens: 12

Fuck this chick's voice makes my pants tight. Not only that, but some of the songs are just good ole fashion songs about Satan, drugs, fucking, and general unpleasantness. I was mildly disappointed with the lyrics to one song called "Bone House". I thought one of the verse lines was "I build a house from your bones." which instantly made my dick point towards my belly button and say "Whatsup bellybutton, I'm back." Sadly the lyrics were "I build a house for your bones." Ugh... spare me the corny shit, wear more black and look like a dirty slut that will fuck me behind a garbage bin.

And last but... last.

Number of listens: 13

This fucking record is awesome. They have two drummers which is definitely an odd concept for most bands let alone a metal band. What I appreciate about this record is that it trades all that shitty metal guitar tone and goes for awesome fuzz distortions, delay effects and even ... dare I say... clean guitar tones! They are still a metal band and do lots of screaming, but they bring it down sometimes with a little piano here and some melodic singing there. I mean... melodic enough for metal. Funny thing is they TOO have a female member, and she is a fantastic guitar player. Does a little singing too. 3 out of 5 of my favorite records have women in them. Now... who the fuck says I am sexist? What?! WHAT?! I LOVE YOU BABY! I HIT YOU CAUSE I LOVE YOU!

I'll post the shittiest albums next cause there were definitely some bags of shit lying around in 2009.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Just under three months of self-loathing.

There are several reasons why I ignore this little one sided chit-chat window you people seem to call a blog. Do I want to get into them? No, because I don't know you that well. You never buy me flowers or tell me how pretty I am. Sorry babe/dude, proper answers need not apply in my universe of rant. I would like to happily say that I have begun to hone my artistic hand again. In my life, there always seems to be a growing pattern of ONs and OFFs. I will write for a bit, stop, & repeat. I will write music, stop, & repeat. Masturbate furiously for .... well... that is actually a constant. I don't think there is an off switch for adolescent self-deprecation to your junk. A man's cock is the equivalent to Tina Turner. So yeah... I like drawing monsters and stuff. I like dark and sinister banes of existence. The occasional winged creature will show up in my sketch-pad or even, dare I say, a well endowed imp creature that will make you chuckle [I'll post that one up later for you all]. If my ON switch is working properly I will make more updates with my creations.... of course there still will be proper cock jokes. 3===D~~~~

Friday, July 17, 2009


This has absolutely nothing to do with French Toast. In fact... fuck the French. The fact that I am still willing to capitalize their bullshit nationality shows you, the reader, how much of a better person I am than them. I know... I respect people; all people... even the whites, which every time I look in the mirror... I cry. I wish I could own a casino. God... please let me own a casino. In honor of me giving a shit for once, I decided I love Italians. They just fucking rule! I mean... The Departed was great with the whole Boston Irish bullshit, but damn if I don't love me some Goodfellas. So I thought I made a really good recipe for some spaghetti... tell me if I am wrong but I am providing it right now. For me... I like veggies and spicy, in my pasta. There is always something about having fresh veggies in my pasta. Still... it aint gonna be fucking healthy.

Andrew's fucking spaghetti:

i guess this serves two? I dunno... i usually eat it all myself. something for a dinner date. impress your ladies!


1/2 stick of butter
half tomato - diced
half green bell pepper - chopped
whole onion & dice that shit!
two stalks of celery - chop it like its hot
cayenne powder - you'll know what to do with it
four cloves of garlic - slice it... dont cube it dont fucking dice dont fucking do anything with it except SLICE IT!
Black Pepper
Classico Marinara sauce [something with a lot of basil. yeah yeah... I know you fucking aficionados want super fucking duper ingredients but I promise you its only a little bit]
half bag of angel hair pasta.. i dunno how much that is... guess it.
feta cheese motha fucka - Greeks know how to make goat cheese. so good.
oh yeah... meat
a HUGE link of Italian sausage [I used a green onion stuffed link of sausage and I found it particularly great. I guess its up to taste for you kids].. and cut that shit into 1/4" slices [THATS A QUARTER INCH YOU FUCKING UNEDUCATED FUCK FACES]

ooooo... man... I am drunk. I have been having a certain particular week which has allowed me access to my deepest darkest addictions. Thankfully, I have been cigarette free for about a week. Oooo rah! Anyways... I have increased my drinkin' habits! No worries though on your part. OK.... process of making this shit. I remembered....everything.

Ok bitches, get a sauce pan and grab that half stick of butter. Light your stove up at about half flame [I assume 6 or 5 would be good? GE doesn't do no wrong]. First, throw that butter in there and after it melts, throw all your awesome green bell pepper, onion, tomato and garlic [SLICED NOT CHOPPED!]. Let that shit cook in the butter for a good 1/2 hour. Let it absorb the butter, but a good indicator is how snappy the celery is. If the celery has a salty taste yet still has a snap... you are good to go. At this point you should be cooking your pasta. However long it takes is good, but I always like throwing some salt when it boils.

THROW THAT SAUSAGE IN!!! mmmmm.... sausage... nothing is better in life than Italian sausage. So you want to warm up that sausage for a good and long time. After that, under your supervision when the sausage is good and cooked, grab your cayenne powder AND SMOTHER THE TOP WITH IT! Seriously, you wont regret it... you will get a good amount of spice to it and bit of heat. Stir that shit around and then throw a half canister of marinara sauce [bout a cup? maybe?]. Stir it around, get your noodles dry and sbout then you should have some warm noodles and warm sauce. Throw your noodles on a plate, then grab JUST A LITTLE bit of sugar and pepper and cover the bed of noodles with it. Throw the pasta mix on top of that awesome delicious shit! Douse that shit with Greeks only contribution to food [feta]. Ooo.... crazy, I hope that was delicious. If you have questions... dont be a puss. Ask.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

A farthing for your thoughts.

I spend way too much time on computers. Hell, everyone does. Its seriously a nasty addiction. I read somewhere on the internet that our own eyes spend 90% of its time staring at rectangles. Of course, that could be silly internet bullshit. Like those fucking LOL Catz. I swear to fucking god almighty if I ever fucking see one of those things again I will make sure I dig a hole deep enough into the bowels of this earth to unleash Satan from his deepest of lairs. Fail Dogs suck dick too, although It all sucks. Sometimes I really do hate the internet. Its too much of a wasted time. Sometimes I second guess if I should have gotten a Graphic Design degree cause it forces me to be in front of a computer... where the internet lives. I have to sometimes force myself to look at the fucking screen for hours on end cause there are news articles or pictures of awesome shit or naked chicks [ok... last part is in the internets favor. good job labidos!] Once in a while, you find something that is neither tits or some kid getting his nutsack punched by 12 dudes. This artist Wilhelm Staehle, who apparently was "Established in 1880", has this way of creating Victorian pieces of art that have the sense of humor of a Motivational Poster. There are a couple of them that are just golden, as if the humor gods came down and blessed this man and said "Your cock will be huge, but you will not be a douche." His whole presentation, website and his use of specific typefaces made this especially enjoyable for me and I hope you enjoy the Silhouette Masterpiece Theatre as much as I did.

Monday, June 8, 2009

Stop fucking bothering me.

alright alright alright ALRIGHT ALRIGHT! Fuck.... I know I haven't fucking written anything down in a some time. I have been busy I guess? I dunno. I do remember staying at a friends house for a few days just getting stoned and playing Final Fantasy VII [you know you are a dork when you have to put the sequel number as a Roman numeral] after getting back from Geronimo Fest, which was an incredibly amazing time. I like to allow my writing to come naturally you know? Like a calming water-birth with shamans and candles rather than a god damned Caesarean section. Updates right? That is what you want right? Well fuck you. All I know is, is that I want a pair of these fuckers! I know I never reviewed their latest album Crack the Skye and I should have but it just would be me saying "I need new pants" and then a check-plus-plus somewhere. Speaking of needing new pants, rather than evacuating fluids due to the nature of audio euphoria, I released a rather different liquid [pssst... its called urine! who woulda known] because this shit was so fucking funny. This series of shorts called Look Around You is ... well... actually, don't read that... at all. In fact... I am just going to put a few of them up on this here internets machiney.

Of course I had to put the music one up. Its great, but I must say my favorite of the eight is Water. Just. Please. Watch. Them. All.

Monday, May 25, 2009


So I had a few minutes to make nice little conversations with the VIP for the upcoming Geronimo Festival in Lafayette, Louisiana, Teddy Lamson. She is in charge, the end all be all boss of this operation... she loves it and hates it from what I gathered. Sort of like hate fucking somebody you know? No? No. Who knows. This lady does it all. Drums, sings, plays guitar... I don't even want to know how many bands she is in, but shes is in a shitload so say the least [Actually I know how many she is in: GIVERS, ArborVitae, Rotary Downs, Direwood, Teddy and the Tornadoes, and Bad Chad and the Good Girls. Shit! No, that was not a bad name... it was an expletive.] and has a very DIY mentality. I have never met a more productive person that is involved in the music community and I am sure she is going to continue further advancing our amazing musical community.

A: What kind of panties are you wearing? Oh yes... I am going there.

Teddy Lamson: Haha! What the fuck? This better be relevant.

A: Maybe?

Teddy: I'm wearing an armor body suit.

A: Fuck yea.

Teddy: Hahaha... oooook.

A: Now that we got that out of the way. What is your involvement with the music community? What is your most prominent skill in this business?

Teddy: I do as much as possible without my head exploding. I'm a fucking networking monster... I love it, it gets me off and I enjoy the chaos of scrambling around.

A: Well... now the big shit.. Geronimo Fest. I have heard a lot about it from a lot people. Not just you by the way. Want to explain?

Teddy: Well, Geronimo is an old Apache Indian from the late 1800s but we didnt get the name from him. Although, its satirical because his name means "one who yawns" and thats definitely the opposite of what we are trying to do with this festival. We are trying to get people to wake the fuck up and become a part of a music community where we can all help each other and network and live through music. We just dove in head first in this and had no idea it was gonna be this big and... hopefully successful. This is technically the "second" one but the beta one was last year and has nothing on this year

A: Gotcha. I assume your head is going to explode?

Teddy: This year we have 3x the amount of sponsors, advertising, volunteers, administrative teams, and confirmed guests. Yeah, exploding to say the least. I wear a hat everyday just in case. No... not really. I don't like hate that much. I mean hats. HATS! Ha!

A: Good save... I thought you were about to spout some hippy bull-shit.

Teddy: Me hippy? Only on the weekends. I'm business all week long. So yeah, Geronimo is bigger than us and out of our hands at this point. We are doing all we can to make it awesome for the musicians and the people attending. We wanna treat the musicians right.. because so many times they are the ones who get the shitty end of things.

A: So I was going to ask about the expansion of Geronimo Fest but it seems you are taking care of that. Any plans on taking Geronimo Fest even further?

Teddy: On taking it further? Hmmm, well, as long as I am managing it, it will grow bigger everyday and hopefully next year, the other businesses and venues around the area will say,"Shit, I wanna be a part of that!" and then we can incorporate more places to play and therefore a bigger lineup with more artists. Then... more sponsors, then bigger acts, then BAM!... Exploding heads.

A: More money... you greedy bastard.

Teddy: Haha... ACTUALLY... We are a non-profit organization. All the money goes to paying the bands and housing and feeding them and paying for the shit we need to make this happen again.

A: Is that all you care about? Fame and fortune?!

Teddy: Fame? Fortune? They go hand in hand and Geronimo already is famous.

A: I dunno... maybe.

Teddy: One day we will be rich. No, not really but we'd like the bands to get paid well so I hope I get to play every year. :)

Andrew: Any acts that you are especially excited to see? I mean, if you aren't busy running around?

Well I think I'll get to see about every band because I WILL be running around headless but I really am excited to see just about everyone to be honest.

A: Awesome.

Teddy: I mean I voted for everyone who is on that lineup. We are a democracy this year.

A: How big is this democracy? Are you guys like an evil council or something?

Teddy: We wanted all the administrative teams votes unanimous on all the artists that were up for spots. We are semi-evil, incorporating illegal graffiti and what not into our advertising. I am paying bums in beer to work for me. Is that evil? I think I am giving them hope, but the democratic circle is quite small. I'm hoping next year more experienced people will want to jump on board.

A: Like the Lord of the Rings? Like the Fellowship of the Rings?

Teddy: Yes, it is an elite package. Are you trying to get in the circle?

A: Nah... I'm a Harry Potter fan myself.

Teddy: Ah yes. I can tell by your hair.

A: Fuck you. This interview is over.

Be sure to click on flier to get all the gory details as to who is playing. If you need some more info on where to go and who to see, CLICK ME CLICK ME CLICK ME OH YES CLICK ME HARDER!

Sunday, May 24, 2009

Eating too much ravioli will make you puke.

Dude... I cannot even begin to describe the many levels of shit I feel right now. Free booze and not enough eating will do that to you. Of course, in my drunken brilliance, believing that a bowl of ravioli at 3 in the morning seemed like the best cure. It. is. not. Not only did I tell myself "Ok... you just have to puke a little bit. Lets walk to the toilet and just spit some out." but I also was able to even embarrass my dog with the explicit conversation that I was having with myself. Needless to say... there was not a little puke. There was not even just a spit. I am pretty sure I evacuated food that I ate last week. I fucking puked an archive of my dietary habits. That is how much I fucking puked. If I was somebody else watching me... I wouldnt have allowed myself to fall asleep due to fears of asphyxiation [Just to clarify as to how cool I am, I didn't have to spell check that word.]. You have no idea how much I am struggling to keep my hands steady. Of course, it is the next day and what do I do? Fucking listen to OK Computer and watch a fucking incredibly ridiculous Grizzly Bear music video. I know they fucking mess with their heads in post-production, but I always just believed them to be robots anyways. Don't take my dreams away.

Friday, May 22, 2009 a big pile of cocaine.

Don't ask me how this dude did it... don't ask me how long it took him to do it....fuck the Japanese! If I had a proper bayonet and some WWII fatigues on, he'd be skewered quicker than a fucking pig on a spit. Kidding of course... I am not one much for stabbing. Quick shot in the head will do fine to quench my jealous bloodthirst. I really like this Jap artist guy Motoi Yamamoto [There are two links there if you cant figure that out. Put down the sock and spray paint.]. He has more patience then me. Fuck he probably has more patience then most artists who constantly have meticulous sticks up their asses. I always enjoy seeing people who are better than me at something. I rarely get to be one-upped by another cause usually I shut them motha fuckas down ya know what I'm saying dawg!? I kid.... I kid... I don't speak like that... I'm not black [!]

Monday, May 18, 2009

I feel sorry for you Smashing Pumpkins fans.

Smashing Pumpkins... let me count the ways as to why I fucking despise you: Billy Corgan is a huge fucking dangly prick. His singing sucks and I imagine if a mouth-breather ever sang, he would sound like Billy Corgan with his fucking retarded raspiness. I never really appreciated the lyrical content and I really... just really, really hate their music. I think this video will finally prove how much alternative/indie/whatever-the-fuck "cred" Corgan has... if he ever had any in the first place. If you are still a fan of Smashing Pumpkins or even Billy Corgan after watching this video... I'll let you cry on my shoulder. Then I will cock punch you.

Saturday, May 16, 2009

Album Art Album Art Album Art

I don't know how often I discuss album art in actual, but I feel like it is my duty now to bring it up. Everybody who claims to have a connection with music always has a few album designs that they really enjoy. For me, when I am working on an any kind of album art, I always look around my catalog of album covers and wander the internet for inspiration. It always helps and it is always nice to see some work done by others that execute an idea that parallels your own. Of all the "Top 10" lists that seem so prevalent and unavoidable these days on the internet, I believe I found a nice little article that actually mixes it up a bit. No genre limitations, and they even have a few repeat offenders in their list of "100 Obscure & Remarkable CD Covers" [I am looking at you Radiohead. You too Bjork!]. A few I do not agree with but hey, maybe it is because I think their music is what caused world hunger. There are however a few personal favorites of mine on this list that made me forget about the 2 or 3 shit covers. Make sure you check out The Roots - Things Fall Apart. Good choice of imagery that reflects the music well. Now that is album art. Oh... and I did two versions of the same show. Just feel like showing them off. Really like the second one myself.

Saturday, May 9, 2009

™ by the hand of god [aka ( (o) Y (o) )]

Rarely do I expose myself to the world. Take that as you may, but I am pretty sure I don't show my gear to any sort of bystanders. If you have met me personally... I will guarantee that I will find some excuse to make fun of your musical taste. If anything, I will rain on your parade for my own satisfaction. That means I MIGHT like you. A friend of mine told me that I am self-centered...I don't know what that means but I think it says something about how I am right all the time. Thanks for the boost of confidence. I make fun of a lot of bands and trends related to the culture of music and most of these trends are bullshit and cater towards the people who are willing to be force fed. On that note... I will open up about my music. I have spent a good few months working on these songs [this... EP if you will]. I have spent numerous hours and numerous takes playing the same shit over and over and over and over again. I have argued with these fucking people [my band], I have been told I was wrong by these people and I have told them that they were equally wrong and I will always have room in my heart to willingly fucking curse their unborn. The fact that I have made fun of other people and their music for a while, I believe it is time for the tables to turn. I am in a band and we have had some times of difficulty agreeing on direction... but you know what...Fuck... sometimes things are bigger than you. Really. Meth or glory fuckers.

Sunday, May 3, 2009

Like Myst but with boobs.

Since I don't like the sun and I hate over-priced festivals where their only purpose is to entertain our surrounding states by allowing them into our city so they can get into car wrecks and binge drink and take our parking spots and fill the french quarter with even more imbeciles. This time though... they aren't wearing Tulane shirts and are 40 years old. Yeah, that sounds about right. Jazz Fest is for 40 year olds. Really Kings of Leon? Go fuck yourselves. I can't think of it any other way. I used to go. when it was $30... even then I complained about the fucking price. And even then, I got in for free cause I fucking know people. I wouldnt have mind going as long as somebody paid for it and the expenses [crawfish bread and cuban sandwiches... only reason to go really], somebody drove me and if I didnt have a fucking hangover for the past three days. I am having trouble enough placing my fingers on this fucking keyboard and properly placing letters in their corrective place. Oh... and fuck all the fucking venues that try to put on shows and charge $15 fucking dollars where it fucks all the locals into seeing music acts. You people are fucking criminals and should be hanged. Anyways, since I'd rather bath in computer light and enjoy the mysterious, I found this German group [I think they are German... let alone a group] who is doing something that I believe will catch on in the States. He/they do[es] it well and knows what people want.... thats right.... tits. I might be senstationalizing this website adventure but if you really want to fucking see some goddamned titties go to a porn site. This shit is a tad more tasteful and the site is well made. I spent a good 10 minutes just going around and clicking shit... and then I checked the rest of their stuff out. If you jerk off to Helmut Newton photography then you need to place your head in a toilet and stay their for 2-5 minutes depending on your lung capacity.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Fucking is overrated.

Guys... seriously... sex is fucking overrated. Ooooooo... congrats... you were able to convince some sweet innocent girl to jump onto a bed of broken needles and crack pipes behind the 7/11 only to realize this sweet girl is the product of fake tits, lots of makeup, and a cock taped behind his/her asshole............. think about that for a minute. Soak it in. Like a warm bath. Tape..... and cocks. I suggest you not find this out the hard way. Especially when they try to rob you for all your money so they can go buy some heroin.... sad really when a man has to turn into a woman in order to fixate his drug habits. Actually, that's a pretty fucking smart way to rob somebody if you think about it. Its unassuming if you pull off the look, guys like loose women, and if you the victim are drunk enough... you'd fuck any chick who is willing to get her ass plugged behind an assortment of all kinds of buildings! Not just 7/11s mind you. Just in case you want to know, I found this pretty bitching graph. It explains what the police in America believe to be the biggest drug problems according to region. FINALLY! A SUBJECT RELATED TO THE NAME OF THIS BLOG! THERE IS A [no] GOD! Click on the picture you bad boy you and I will grow BIGGER!....thats what she said.

Friday, April 24, 2009

Russians dont fuck around.

I think I have found the coolest design studio ever. Of course they are Russian which makes it even fucking cooler cause they drink vodka like it was their job [but their job is designing.... find a joke in their somewhere folks.]. These guys make some pretty serious shit... like THE MOST EXPENSIVE FUCKING KEYBOARD EVER! What I appreciate about these guys is that they do more than just websites, posters [which you should check out anyways] and shit. They actually design peripherals and products like said keyboard and probably the coolest set of speakers as well. They just have some of the most badass shit... and they are clever about it too. Nothing is cheesy about them unless they do it intentionally. I also suggest reading their M.O. Like I said... these guys dont fuck around. Take your time absorbing that shit... cause they're fucking Russians.

Sunday, April 19, 2009

Facebook will be your new porn.

I little Blue Jay flew over my head today. He was very much a friendly bird. He delicately landed on my shoulder and started to chirp as if he was talking to me. He got closer and closer to my ear and then cocked his head to the side like a dog would after you try shoving his face into your peanut-buttered covered nutsack. Then... a miracle happened.... he said


He bequeathed me the holiest grail of all fucking URLs. I share this gift with you now.

Alright kids... start fucking going through your facebook friends.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Its not Hip-Hop.... its Electro!

I think I have this sick fetish for enjoying squared sound-waves and synthesizers. Maybe its due to the fact that they remind me of my ears getting massage by something warm... also... I got high a lot pretty much throughout high-school and always enjoyed the feel/sound of compressed sounds and distorted guitar. I, of course, have matured and have moved on to more sophisticated ways to introduce bodily harm to myself... like razor blades to my sack. But you know whats better than slashing your balls? Fucking electro! No ... intercourse with electronic appliances, especially plugged in, will always end in hearbreak... or the removal of said genitalia. I've decided to embed 5 really amazingly awesome shitty electro songs that I am sure if you have half a brain you've heard these little sculpted pieces of shit that resemble gems. Pull out your pacifiers and start flicking the light switches!

P.S. - If you like tits and ass... you will want to fuck me. Oh... and you'll like these videos too... Not the Paul Oakenfold one however. He's just standing there.... you might like that kind of thing though.

Monday, April 13, 2009

Phil Spector is mean.

Phil Spector... I never suspected him of being a nice man. suspicions were true when he was found guilty of second degree murder. Oh well.... read it here.

Sunday, April 12, 2009

alright... i might be a little drunk....

please... dont think less of me...i just...i i just have to put this up... like super bad. do you ever get to that point when you hear an old song that just brings you back? God.... that fucking Kevin Costner... i mean... really? So dreamy...fucking robin hood and shit and he dances with wolves and shit! Bryan Adams? Like... why didn't he make like a million billion fucking dollars? I am just so fucking confused by this.... i think im gonna cry.... really hard.

"Who the fuck uses a red stratocaster in the 14th Century? Really Bryan? and and and and the denim jacket? I am just SOOOO appalled!"

Friday, April 10, 2009

apparently they like shit

Its true... Antenna Inn like shit. That's what happens when you get 9 overly ambitious idiots who make shitty music. They eventually go back to the source of their creativeness: fecal matter. This is true on many levels. They must all have really smalls dicks because their band is so fucking huge. The are like the Porsche of indie rock. I'm talking like.... 50 drummers and like 25 gutiars. They are the musician's mid-life crisis. They made a movie which features some live songs and shows how much they love what they do [hint: they slap each other in the balls a lot and chain smoke. I'm pretty sure they are all alcoholics]. Also... since they are all retards I have compiled all their videos together because I am a nice guy and YouTube are a bunch of pussies for limiting the size of video uploads.

Good Morning Sam. 3===D

Called me old fashioned but I am a sucker for space flicks, especially ones that deal with human psychology. I'm not talking about Star Trek or campy fucking movies where they make it a point to show humans fucking an alien in god knows what hole the human thinks hes trying to fuck. Im talking about 2001, Sunshine, Mission to Mars [sorta good?], Solaris, Event Horizon [fuck you.. it was good and scary]. The human experience brought to film via cold space. Love that shit. Well here is a trailer for another take on that scenario. It's called "Moon". Glad it wasnt called 2001 Part 2: Hal's Revenge.

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

The Shitty Life

Just to prove to you guys that The City Life are bunch of dicks... I made a video of taking their comments out of context and now I am showing it to you shit bags. Don't worry... I still don't have any artistic integrity.

Fuck Space x Fuck Time = Paradox

I had a dream of watching a porno that had a girl I knew in it performing acrobatic feats that well... are what dreams are made of. Isn't that silly? I mean, why not just have a dream about having sex with said girl who is performing these human pretzel positions that would make your gear work overtime. This girl is hot too... like Kathleen Turner hot... no not young Kathleen Truner but old, multiple plastic surgeries, hating Nicolas Cage [The Rock should have won an Oscar.] Kathleen Turner that looks like she took a latex mask of herself and stretched it over her face and pinned it back Kathleen Turner. You know... something like out of the Hellraiser movies. And that is all I have to say about that. [kudos to the person who knows the last sentence is from]

Oh... and check this out all you musical fucking idiots. Expand your brain.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

The Village Death

Alright you shit may or may not know, there is this band called The City Life from New Orleans. Supposedly, they have been a pretty big fixture in the New Orleans rock scene for about 5 years. I don't see it honestly. I mean, I have heard a few tunes and shit and was not impressed. Their singer sounds like Liza fucking Minnelli! Seriously Leon DeLionFucker or whatever your Hebrew name is... grow some balls and stop singing fucking Cabaret. Oh right... sorry... the point of this post is to inform you idiots that they are finally breaking up. Thank god, right? I heard these guys one time at the Circle Bar. Worst. Show. Ever. Talk about a band trying really really hard to get your attention. Too much dancing for my taste. I haven't been this excited about a break up since I hurled my brothers antique porcelain piggy bank into a brick wall. I was always curious what a band breaking-up sounds like, you know? Does it sound like a pane of glass shattering or pottery being hit by a bat? Who knows.... I mean I guess you can find out on Friday, April 3rd at One Eyed Jacks at around 9pm [that was not a plug]. Fuckers.

"I told you boss, we got rid of the body. Oh wait ... it's resting on Lucy's shoulder"

Friday, March 27, 2009

Dude, where the fuck is Neve Campbell and Denise Richards at?

Ok ok ok ok... I am pretty proud of that subject title right there. It makes sense to what I am showing. Cause you know thats what I do right? Right? To the point:

If you were born between 1986 and some future time or some shit... then this means this movie will have nostalgic value. For me, I am a huge creature fan and I have always loved to draw monsters and let my imagination go wild [hur]. Truth be told... I think I teared up for this trailer. Now... on the other hand.

Uhhh.... I have... to go... wash my hair... or something.

I have to evacuate some shit from my butt-ass.

So yeah, I have returned from Austin [SXSW and shit]a few days ago. Probably like a week ago I dunno I haven't been paying attention to the passing days because I just reminisce about Austin. Yes.... Very cool thing they got going on there but it still is not my beloved New Orleans. Every place can go fuck themselves and their 2 am last call bullshit. All I am gonna tell you is that I had to do some fucking serious power drinking to make sure I was falling in the street by 2 am. I kid, I kid... I was usually drunk by 5 pm... I dont remember much. From what I DO remember... I saw some kick ass bands... and some really shitty ones. Like super shitty. OK just one really shitty band. Horrendous if you will. Here be da rundown yo!


Best show I saw from a band that I have never heard. They had a great sound and they were energetic and wore weird ass multi-color marching band uniforms [also... their name is Heypenny ...come on retards... put two and two together] and had old ass TVs playing weird ass video with some more weird shit on top of that weird shit. A very pleasant surprise for just randomly checking out a band you've never heard before. I enjoy those moments where you feel like you discovered something unexpected... and you did it with a group of friends... which sweetens the pot.

Delta Spirit
I have seen these guys before in New Orleans and thought a few of the songs were pretty good. Honestly played their record maybe only a handful of times and during those times I never really paid attention to it. I think the record sounds decent but not great. Now... after watching them for a second time at Mohawk... they did a much better job and really caught my attention. I still think their record sounds decent... but I am listening to it if that means anything to you. Trashcan is a great song by the way.

The Rosebuds
Played before Delta Spirit. Weren't terrible but not great. Just another band that I sat through with a beer in my hand nonchalantly listening to them. No moving. No nodding with the music. No dancing. Just beer.

OK.... this is a tricky one to actually explain. This was a really free show in a really big open park area. Also... I wouldnt even call what they played through a fucking PA. You could sometimes hear drums and sometimes hear a keyboard making some warbly sound. Anyways, "listening" or "seeing" HEALTH might be a little too unfair to say... but fuck it, you werent there and I can make shit up for whatever reason I want. For instance, I finger popped Natalie Portman. Yeah... in Austin. Don't believe me? How would you know... you weren't there. You don't have a survelliance van that follows me 24/7. Go fuck yourself. Oh... HEALTH has some badass recordings. Check it.

Saw these guys at the Mess With Texas festival thingy or whatever. They didn't suck, but they didn't move me either. It looked like they were kind of phoning it in anyways. I am not terribly familiar with their repetoire but even if I memorized their whole catalog I know for a fact I would still feel like they played a mediocre set.

Abe Vigoda
I saw these guys in a club I believe to be called "Club 1808". Apparently it is in the ghetto part of Austin. I think the people who were telling me this meant where the black people lived. I didn't look ghetto at all. Shit... probably safer in that neighborhood then walking down a street filled with fucking hippies asking for change. Point is... this club was fucking awesome. The minute I walk in the bathroom I see a dude who is missing some teeth, sitting on the faucet smoking a joint and sharing it with some patron who looks to be 15. After taking my piss throughout his tirade on white people and weed... I go back to the main room and see the ocean of people that were surrounding this band. Just... LOTS of warm bodies jumping around and god knows what else. They were good. They were loud. They had a lot of energy. Too bad the next day at Mess With Texas fest they sounded like shit and didn't look like they were having fun. Advice: Try to see this band in the smallest club imaginable.

Not more than a half hour later in the same club [Club 1808... WOOAH!] No Age plays a show in the outdoor area. I dunno whats with Austin... but mostly ever show outside sounded like shit. Like... really shitty. I dunno. Maybe Austin sound-men don't understand wind and birds. So yeah... they sounded like shit... but apparently they are a good band. I was pretty busy drinking beer and taking shots honestly... didn't really pay too much attention to them.

Glacier Hiking

You know what... since I am such a nice guy... I will name drop them. Fuck... I even embedded their super NASCAR music video in this post just so you kids can get a better picture of what these guys look like. Worst. Fucking. Band. Ever. These guys were the dumbest sappiest pieces of shit. They had the worst in-between song banter and even worse lyrical content. "I FUCKING CRIED FOR YOU!". I shit you not. They are like the worst parts of the Killers and diarrhea. My fucking god... I walked away several times, but I HAD to come back and just listen to them emo out and fucking suck. A friend of mine said a very astute observation how their guitar player wants to be Johnny Greenwood. He did. He sucked at it terribly. Their singer... my god... where do I fucking begin. Bowtie. He wore a fucking bowtie and a fucking cardigan sweater vest. I shit you not, me and my friends saw him the next day. Different bowtie, same smug fucking face. I dunno... if I want to fucking look like Doug I would have gone all the way and put the belt around my head and my tighty-whites over my pants. Also... I think hes watched way too many videos of rap-metal singers cause he did some dumb shit with his hands like he was pretending to be some fucking rapper or Brandon Boyd. God. Damn. They suck. If you love music you will friend them on Myspace and send hateful comments to them. Spit on them if you can too.

They were drunk. Really drunk. F+

Explosions in the Sky
Once again proving my theory that the sound-guys in Austin don't know what the fuck they are doing for outside venues. I really wanted to see them, but thats all I got to do... SEE. I didn't hear shit, even when they got loud. Granted, I was pretty fucking far away and the place was jam packed with people so I did not feel like fighting the horde of smelly people. On a side note... I think the highlight of this show was waiting in line. My group were about to get in line when all of the sudden, this kid like fucking Spiderman leaps over the fence! I mean.... these fences were fucking tall. What he did was no small feat and it gave me hope for our youth. What was especially hilarious was the security guard. Fat, old and didn't give a fuck. He had his flashlight and shined it onto the kid as he was running and the look on his face was something along the lines of "Shit! I need to go after that kid. Fuck, hes already too far away." Like a face of failure.

I think there were a few other bands but I can't think of them off the top of my head. I don't want to write anymore. You kids have any memories of SXSW?

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Something to think about when I am gone.

So I am going to be heading to SXSW for a couple of days. I know, I know, stop fucking crying and grab your little hanky. Don't get your panties all knotted and twisted... cause that will be bad for your circulatory system. I will however try to update as much as possible whilst being there [I just wanted to say 'whilst'...try it out. whilst.]. I am assuming they have computers in Austin. In the meantime.... watch this video. Hes a graffiti artist who animates. Weird. I know... but its fucking brilliant and it is something to aspire to. Hear that New Orleanian crusties!? YOU CAN BE A FAMOUS GRAFFITI ARTIST TOO!

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Fucking Interview time bitches!

You know when you do a certain thing once and then it eventually becomes part of your routine? Well I don't cause that becomes monotonous. Who am I kidding? I fucking suck. I took some time to do a little interviewing with a few figure heads who make shit happen in this town... cause people like talking to me. I am very personable. First one is with Bill Smith. Close friend of mine and a ne'er-do-well kinda guy. When he wants to be, he can be particularly articulate when is not humping your leg or trying to fucking bite your nipples off. Not so much of an interview but more of a conversation ranging from art to Caddywhompus to G.G. Allen.

Next batch of questions was with the lead singer of The Blue Party, Reid Martin. Their band consists more of just listening to music. They require you the audience member to get fucked up and high as much as possible. This band makes sure their fans are satisfied... thats why they kick ass. Watching them is like running a marathon with a case of beer.

Friday, March 13, 2009

God I am so fucking adorable.

No... serioulys folks. I am fucking awesome. Why hasn't anybody told me how awesome I am? Really are you people that shy to tell me how fucking suave and charming I am. I mean... look at that smile! I'm gonna go look in the mirror and jerk off now.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

I need a Nap

I have noticed have not been paying enough attention to the "design" aspect of this here lil' blog. Then... this little site called This is why you're fat gave me some inspiration to create. That is SOOO fucking correct you smart little office monkey.... I made some food. Some gross fucking, heart shrinking, short breath inducing food that is soooo good yet bowel irritatingly bad for you. I present you.... THE CHEESE PULL TACO!!!!!! [yes.. it is a vagina joke]

[click on the image for all of its glorious splendor]

Before you ask yourself "Is that diarrhea wrapped in a soiled crepe shell?" The answer to that question is "You are half correct!". Ok... what I did was take a few flour tortillas and then fried them in a beer-batter [used Heinken... the only beer around in my house. Coors Light is usually my preferred beer of choice.]. Afterwards, letting the tortillas cool down so they could get a nice crunch, I made some shells and cheese [a pack of Velvetta shells n cheese was more than enough] and then added a shit ton of hot salsa [Pace Picante... hot... none of that pussy mild shit]. Then... for the pulled pork, this shit that I got... you can't find in a fucking store. This was made at a farmer's market around my neighborhood. This is the pulled pork Jesus Christ gave up his life for. Fuck all the world sinning and shit. He noticed God had some and was like "Yo dawg I heard you gots some o' dem good pull porky pig yo!". So he jumped on a cross and call ed the crowd gay. Then they stabbed Jesus.... so Jesus could go to heaven. To get the pork. This pulled pork will leave you in a coma after just eating a small portion cause its so fucking good. GOOD I TELL YOU! I took the step further and noticed I still have a good amount of oil in the pan. Like any good American... I didn't let that go to waste. I fucking DROPPED that pulled pork in there and watch that beautiful meat become even more beautiful in that pan of oil. I didn't do that for too long cause, ya know, I am a meat eater and didn't want to be eating shrivelled pork [dick joke]. Topped the tacos with the pulled pork and then added even more salsa and then for good measure.... fresh pepper. I know this isn't THE grossest food imaginable but I am still fucking proud of how god damned good it was. Really, I was fucking surprised... it was pretty good. The crunchy tortilla worked well with the soft shells n cheese and... like I said... the fucking pork is amazing. Unfortunately, I could only eat half of one of them. Maybe I can find some hobos later.... and then eat the rest in front of them. Then, drink a nice cold beer and then wipe the sweat off my forehead with a hundred dollar bill. You know... just so the message gets through. I am better than them.

[STATUS UPDATE] So yeah.... like I said, that pulled pork will put you in a coma. After eating only HALF of one of those tyrannical tacos, I fucking napped so fucking hard I was dead to the world. I fell asleep in my bed, still clothed, drooling out the side of my mouth with little junks o' shells and pork bits. I looked like an O.D. victim. Mmmm... Coma Pork ....mmmmmm.

Monday, March 9, 2009


As you may or may not know my band Big Rock Candy Mountain have been recording/recorded/will record more/anal sex/ suck on toes just a little bit more.... at the Music Shed. Here are a few videos of us just fucking around. Enjoy. Also got a little background music in it for ya.

Sunday, March 1, 2009

I can't sleep cause Reznor will beat me if I do :(

Alright, I have always been a fan of Nine Inch Nails. Huge Fan. Never particularly thought The Downward Spiral was their best but it was great for its time and set many standards in production and allowing Trent Reznor to be an even bigger dickhead than most dickheads of the dickhead music world. After I got wind about some folks at This One is On Us put together a two disc [if we go by that measure of music anymore] torrent of two live performances from their last shows in Las Vegas, I had to check it out. Needless to say, the only thing worse than a dick head [insert Trent Reznor] is a bunch of dickheads who follow that one dickhead. Jesus people... really? Are you that fucking obsessed to the point where you not only buy all his records, but are willing to spend your last waking hours cutting & editing footage, whilst mixing and mastering live footage from a shmorgisboard [didnt even have to spell check that] of kids who wear eyeliner and nothing but NIN shirts [editor's note: throw away both Mastodon shirts and delete computer wallpaper, Illustrator files, and cancel order on posters]. Got to give the fucker props though for allowing his fans to do this and not throw a little hissy fit like one of his songs. Who would of thought you can make a life-long career about bitching and moaning about how unfair life is? Hmmm. Good-bye motivational speaker HELLO ANGSTY 40 year old!

Nine Inch Nails: March of the Pigs (Live in HD) from WhoRu? on Vimeo.

p.s. Judging by JUST THIS SONG... two and a half hours of those lights would make me fall into a state of epilepsy. My tongue would have been choked on within minutes of the first song.

Friday, February 27, 2009

Mardi Gras gave me VD and didn't apologize

Only kidding folks. She did provided with a cornucopia of cleavage. For instance:


Names shall not be given for the safety of me cause if this chick found out I am spilling her boobs all over the internet she might actually come tell me that I did it all wrong and will proceed to force me to take naked pictures of her all day and night. I know crazy huh? Men with iron hearts will blush as to what she will do to you in order to get your attention. They almost look like they have eyeballs huh? Hmmmmm. Lets take a closer looky look.


I hope everyone's Mardi Gras celebration was filled with yelling at tourists and spending 5 hours of traffic a day just so you can fucking go to work or meet up with people that really don't want to deal with parades. Parades attract tourists like shit attracts flies. I swear... I think the only people who really go to parades are Tulane fucks and people who don't know anything else better to do.... so they get piss drunk and yell at shit even when nothing is going on [granted, there are a few people who genuinely like them for certain reasons: marching bands & yelling at other drunk people]. Yeah I know that was a long sentence, but I am right. Tits are overrated anyways. I'll lift my shirt in front of a mirror before I get sucked into that sad excuse of a mating ritual. Bunch of middle-aged women who left their husbands behind to try and "feel young" again.

Things to expect soon:
DEBUT Album Review!!!!!!!!!!!! Thats right - Mastodon - Crack The Skye

Monday, February 16, 2009

The way to Baton Rouge is through the Anus. Capital "A".

Some of you may or may not know that I play in a rock n roll band.... wait let me say that again... AH FOOKING RACK AN RAWL BAND MAN! There are several perks to this occupation yet the cons come all too often when you least expect it. On this given weekend. We had two show to play. One in Baton Rouge and one in New Orleans the next day. To make my brain from exploding I will, like any other lazy American put it in a list.


[click the image to enlarge it to all of its glorious splendor]
Marcus. His name is Marcus. This guy... my god. It wasnt even 8 o'clock. This guy had a full cup of whiskey. And he was break dancing. He was telling jokes that didn't even make sense and would INSIST THAT WE SHOULD FUCKING START PLAYING MUSIC IMMEDIATELY! CAUSE HE WANTED TO FUCKING ROOOOOOOOOOOOCK! So, I figured out the movie function on my camera and I was so pissed off at myself. I thought I recorded a shit load of awesome material that he was doing but apparently I am fucking retarded and only got some ramblings coming from that thing he called a mouth. Something about pickles and wanting people to be happy or some dumb fucking shit. Don't worry... I am laughing at him. YOU ARE COVERED IN TATTOOS! YOU ARE NOT SUPPOSE TO SHOW EMOTION YOU FUCK!

Shit storms ABOUND MATEYS! Complications filled the night as we realized the band that was playing before us were a slew of dicks who listen to Jock Jams and huff paint in between their dick measuring. We also soon realized that for sure the people who came to see them would leave immediately once the band was done playing rip-off Red Hot Chili Pepper songs. Oh, and their name was Canvas Red... they fucking sucked. I hated them so much I don't want to even describe them beyond using the word "suck". I always make it a rule to not listen to bands that have numbers or a color in it [black is the absence of color so all you people can go fuck yourself]. I.E: 311, Blink 182, Vendetta Red, Simply Red, Blue October. You get the point. Arbitrary Word + Color = Shitty Band.

This was our crowd.
3. The Show
Our manager, a couple, and the lead singer of the first band[Part Bear... awesome] who played before Shit Colors. The fucking sound guy didn't even stick around to hear us. I guess people who live in Baton Rouge really do have to drown their sorrows in alcohol. They can't even stand to see good music. After we were done, we found the lead singer of Shit Colors and threw our beer bottles at that fuck and dislocated his jaw [Oh yeah, his name was Chance. I bet he likes cock]. Chance in his little black shirt and his red tie. He looked like he was auditioning for Interpol but then he realized he had no talent and had spiky blond hair and was wearing baggy blue jeans. I wouldn't be surprised if he decided to look in the mirror pensively, go to his parent's closet and grab Pa-Pa's shotgun and paint the fucking walls red with what little brain he seemed to have. That would look like a good painting. Get it. Canvas red. Cause that's his band's name. Needless to say, we booked it after that. Of course though. There were some good moments. All coming from Part Bear. They had this country pop rock thing going on but it the music was far more inventive than saying something as frivolous as "Country Pop Rock". We joked around, got some food in New Orleans, drank some bear [ha... i mean beer]. From the way they talked though... it really did sound like they wanted to "drank sum bear".

I didn't know Zach Galifianakis had a rock band.

(from l to r): Mike, Andy, Grey [not Zach]

Oh yeah.... played a show in New Orleans with Part Bear as well. Fuck you if you didn't show up. Get the story from somebody else cause I don't want to fucking talk to you. Cock.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Holy shit holy shit holy shit holy shit holy shit

MOTHER FUCKER! WHY DOES THIS HAVE TO BE SOLD OUT! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! This would have been my pilgrimage. That show would have been my mecca. My mother fucking ZION goddamnit!

Although I am surprised that The Sword aren't playing. This makes me sad, but I am overjoyed to see southern metal bands given national recognition. Now, I can't say much for your dumb fucking band.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

First order of business.

I'd like to proudly show off the front of the lastest album I have been working on. Its for local band/sensation MyNameIsJohnMichael [yes I know I didn't space the words... you can go fuck yourself]. I am very happy with the way it turned out and I am sure it will cause panties to melt off. Specifically yours! No, not you ugly, the one sitting next to you. Yeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaa.... that guy with the mouth like a donut.


Alright you shit machines, Candy Pants is back but in a whole new blog. Painted Pants was getting a little stale and I wanted to start '09 in a different fashion. Mostly, I am going to be more excessive. Thats right folks! More cursing, dirty thoughts, and uninterrupted thought processes. On that note... I leave you a video of some primates doing it doggy style.