Thursday, January 7, 2010

My Top 5 can kick your Top 10s ass!

Where the fuck are my flying cars? Where is my fucking sex-bot like in THX1138!? Well we do have large pieces of plastic to fuck... but they don't put up a fight. Who wants to have sex with a glorified barbie!? Shouldn't we have cured cancer by now? What a fucking disappointment 2010 is already. What.a.disappointment. At least Michael Jackson is dead. Yes, I said that. Kids can finally come from below their beds and sleep soundly now. Thank god this time of the year is the best time to ponder and recall how shitty the year previous to this one was. Oh 2009... you gave me a cancer scare and shattered my dreams of ever becoming a stage actor. Hey 2009, remember that time when that homeless man followed me home and I locked him out of my house and he took a dump on the front porch? HA! That was such a hoot. Or or or or when I was declared legally dead for 2 minutes?! Readers, if you ever go to a party and somebody offers you a buffet of uppers & downers... he is not offering you the ENTIRE BAG OF PILLS. That was my new years resolution: One drug at a time. Continuing on... I have had this whole idea of writing out my top five favorite albums of 2009. Now now now now now... shut the fuck up. I know what you are thinking. You think I am trying to tell you get these albums because if you don't have them then you are fucking lame. This is correct. Get these albums because my opinion is unwavering in its correctness. I am a fucking taste-maker. Actually, if you look at it... you people may already have these records, and I am rather late with the whole "Top 5 shittiest pieces of shit that you shitheads should like shit list". The point is fuck you and this is what I liked in the year of our lord 2009. Amen.

Number of listens: 93 fucking times.

I figured I would get this one out of the way. Ok ok, I didn't actually listen to the ENTIRE album 93 times but did listen to at least one of the songs on this record 93 times. The lowest number of times I listened to a song from Crack the Skye was 62.... soooooooooo 93 just sounds better. I just love this record. It encompasses everything I look for in music. Not just metal or rock... now if only there was some rapping on this record it would be perfect. Ha I'm just fucking with you. I would probably shoot a hole in somebody's head even if Lil Wayne contributed a verse.

Number of listens: 49

Holy. Shit. Every time I mention or there is a conversation about this album, somebody ALWAYS has to correct the party on how the fuck this album is pronounced. Congrats douche-bag, you are officially a waste of life. The fact that they go out of there way to make sure they are heard saying it correctly is just the icing on the cake. When you feel that gentle tap on the shoulder and hear them say "Uhmmm.... its pronounced Vecka-TI-mest." and you see them push their black-rimmed glasses up to their nose with their chin down and eyebrows up. No wonder the government doesn't allow me to carry sharp objects. Shit... I had to hire somebody ELSE has to cut my dinner for me now. God damn you Close Circuit Television. Point is this is a great record and you shouldn't let some douche bag spoil it by doing some name dropping. If they do... shove your boot-heel into their neck. That usually shuts them up.

Number of listens: 5

"Sup bitch... we should rub cunts together. Look how serious I look."
"I can't, I have to pretend I am not looking at you. Plus, my chin will get jealous and try to attack me. Or worse... kill you."
"Man fuck that shit! I want to make a fucking clam stew... now gimme that!"
"Oh...oh my.... oh... ah GAWD.... pppppffffff.... Mmmmmm. Oh fuck thats some good canoe paddling."
"MWMmmMFMFmmmfmfmfmfmmmmmmff.. I'm sorry what were you saying? I was a little busy down there."
"Shut the fuck up and tweak my nipples. Don't worry... I'm indie... I don't wear bras."
"Easy access...mama like. Mama. Like."
"But what will our orbs of pretension think of this sinful act? They may leave the album cover."
"Shit... you're right. The listeners need not know how arbitrary the orbs are. If they find out, our fucking cred is out the window. We must keep their mysterious nature intact."
"Fuck I don't care! My clam is wetter than a fucking rainforest. GIVE ME YOUR FUCK PARTS! NOW!"
"Yes Queen of the Chins. You make Jay Leno green with envy."

I hope you never look at this album cover the same way ever again.

Number of listens: 12

Fuck this chick's voice makes my pants tight. Not only that, but some of the songs are just good ole fashion songs about Satan, drugs, fucking, and general unpleasantness. I was mildly disappointed with the lyrics to one song called "Bone House". I thought one of the verse lines was "I build a house from your bones." which instantly made my dick point towards my belly button and say "Whatsup bellybutton, I'm back." Sadly the lyrics were "I build a house for your bones." Ugh... spare me the corny shit, wear more black and look like a dirty slut that will fuck me behind a garbage bin.

And last but... last.

Number of listens: 13

This fucking record is awesome. They have two drummers which is definitely an odd concept for most bands let alone a metal band. What I appreciate about this record is that it trades all that shitty metal guitar tone and goes for awesome fuzz distortions, delay effects and even ... dare I say... clean guitar tones! They are still a metal band and do lots of screaming, but they bring it down sometimes with a little piano here and some melodic singing there. I mean... melodic enough for metal. Funny thing is they TOO have a female member, and she is a fantastic guitar player. Does a little singing too. 3 out of 5 of my favorite records have women in them. Now... who the fuck says I am sexist? What?! WHAT?! I LOVE YOU BABY! I HIT YOU CAUSE I LOVE YOU!

I'll post the shittiest albums next cause there were definitely some bags of shit lying around in 2009.


  1. Where the fuck is Merriweather Post Pavilion???

  2. I agree with all of your choices. I also agree with the above comment that Animal Collective is missing from the list. And I am thrilled to have had the cunt rubbing scene so beautifully depicted as I have often imagined that alone in my room, and have never had it so beautifully personified. Thank you indeed.

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